I read an email this morning from a friend.  I had dropped him a note about The Daddy Life here at diggydaddy.com and he wrote back that he loved it and it reminded him of how much he knew I’d be a great father.  I don’t say this to flatter myself but because last night I did not feel like a great dad.

I think it’s a time of transition and the boys know it.  They’ve been a little unsettled.  With JT we have gotten to the potty training time and we’re trying to change some sleeping patterns.  Actually, we’ve been introducing the potty training idea to JT for a little while now.  For Mami and me this means team work because both potty training and getting kids to sleep can be hard on a relationship.

What Q is feeling right now might just be about going back to school after Winter break or about the attention we are paying to JT with the potty training.  But actually, I’m not really sure what might be affecting Q.  He’s been coming to our bed a lot over the past couple of weeks.  This feels like a step back because he had been doing well sleeping in his room.  JT’s been sick on and off over the past month and spending more time in our bed.  That might be it.

Last night, or rather at 4:00 this morning, Q came to our bed again.  JT usually starts the night in his crib but by early morning he is in our bed.  He doesn’t, however, fall asleep in his crib.  Usually he falls asleep in our arms or in our bed and then we take him to his crib.  The last few nights he’s been waking up often and so have we. 

By the time Q got to our room JT had already settled in. (Did I mention it was 4:00a.m.?)  Mami told Q to go back to his bed but he started to complain.  He climbed up next to Mami trying hard to make a space.  I got up and took a sleeping JT to his crib.  I figured I was making room in our bed for Q but he followed me instead.  I decided to go with it.

“Q, get in your bed,” I whispered.  He did.  I lay JT in his crib and immediately felt his iron grip on my arm.  “Papi…Papi, up,” he said.  He had just been sound asleep!  “Go to sleep JT,” I whispered loudly as I pried my arm loose.  This could be another long night and I was starting a slow boil. 

I felt like I couldn’t go back.  I had told Q to get into his bed and JT to go to sleep.  I grabbed a blanket and lay on the floor beside them.  “Papi up,” JT continued.  He was starting to cry now.  “No, go to sleep,” I insisted.  He stood up in his crib and cried for Mami.  Q was tossing and turning and said he couldn’t sleep.  “Go to sleep,” I said again to no one in particular.  I felt stuck and I was upset about it.  I wasn’t giving the kids choices and I wasn’t giving myself an out.  I call it, “parenting myself into a box.”

Then I heard Q slide off his bed and start for the door.  “Get back in bed, son,” I said.  He stopped moving but didn’t go back to his bed.  “Get into bed, Q,” I said a little more forcefully.  JT was still crying.  Q sat on the floor next to where I was lying and didn’t move.  Slowly I said, “Go-to-bed- (insert full name here).” “No” came his answer. Then I snapped.

The next thing I know I hear something pound on the hardwood floor.  Oh, it was my fist.  I’m up and the lights are on and I yell at Q, “GET IN BED!”  It comes out in that father voice no one knows they have until they have a child.  Q jumps into bed, buries his face in the pillow and starts to cry.  I look at JT and bark, “You too.”  JT turns his crying up a notch.  I switch off the light, go back to my room and climb into bed. 

“This is ridiculous,” is all I can manage to say.  Both boys are crying and I know they won’t go to sleep.  I just need some space.  Mami gives me a moment to catch my breath, reads my mind and says, “That might be fine for Q but JT won’t fall asleep in his crib.”  “I know,” is all I can think.

I give myself a little more time.  One of the crying children stops and then I hear footsteps.  It’s Q.  “I can’t sleep with a crying baby,” he says.  He still thinks of JT as a baby and to be quite honest at that moment, after calming down, so did I.

I walk back to the kid’s room and pick up JT.  I take him back to our bedroom and give him to Mami.  Q and I go back to his room.  I lie down on the floor again (the toddler bed is too small for me) and ask Q to go to sleep.  He lies down in his bed.

That could have been the end it but Q is still having trouble falling asleep.  “Papi, I can’t get comfortable,” he says.  And I know he’s trying.  After a few minutes I whisper, “Come down with me.”  He does.  I cover him with the blanket and we spoon on the floor.  I rub his back and scratch his head.  I can still feel his
suspiros ; you know that post cry sighing that kids do.  We lie there for a bit more.  The floor is cold and I’m cold.  “Come on, son,” I say as I get up.  We go back to my bedroom and get under the covers.  Four peas in a pod; I think this is how we started this little escapade.

It still took the boys quite a while to finally fall asleep; mostly JT.  There were a few more requests for water and shifting of positions.  I even managed to make a quick post just to prove to myself later in the day that this wasn’t a dream.  When the deep breathing started and I was convinced the boys were out (and Mami too) I checked the clock: 6:10 a.m.

I think what frustrates me about this is that I got stubborn about unrealistic expectations.  Q wasn’t going to fall asleep with JT crying in the room and JT doesn’t know how to put himself to sleep in his crib yet.  I call it, “parenting myself into a box” because that’s what it feels like.  I’d like to know if anyone can relate and what you do about it.

Like I said, it’s a time of transition.  I’m sure there will be many posts on potty training and sleeping habits in the future (among other things, really).  And I’ll be talking about some of the parenting techniques that Mami and I are using (or that I’d like to use better).  Here is to being a work in progress.  I think I need a nap.